Crayons

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Sixteen 

my father dies of a drug overdose, I do not cry. Months later I read his suicide note to me. It reads; “you look beautiful.”

I lay on my bed motionless as I replay in my head the past five years of my life and realizing now that I am not who I thought I was.

Fifteen

My dad packs his things in the middle of the night. He hasn’t spoken to me for weeks… I can’t remember the last thing he said to me. I want to leave my room and say goodbye, but I am frozen

I took 27 sleeping pills and hoped they wouldn’t wake me up in the morning

My mother is breaking down, my brother is breaking walls with his fist, my sister is breaking teeth on her words and I am breaking my own heart

Fourteen

I am selling my clothes and mowing lawns and sneaking money into my moms wallet and sock drawer

My brother moved out and my sister is mentally checked out and I am out of strength and ideas and mom doesn’t come out of her room anymore

Thirteen

I can’t look at myself in the mirror

My 8th grade English teacher asks me why I have bruises on my face and I feel my blood turn to ice but I do not dare tell

I come home from school to find my dad passed out covered in his own vomit, I scream his name and with tears streaming down my face shake him until he regains consciousness, then beats me until our positions are reversed

Twelve

I hold my mom in her bed as she cries, and now even though I understand why, I can not cry.

My dad tells me this is all my fault and that “sorry” isn’t good enough and I understand that actions speak louder than words but how am I supposed to show him I love him when I’m always stuck cleaning up his messes before mom gets home and eat dinner as if I haven’t lost my appetite

I’m failing my 7th-grade art class because I can no longer keep my mind focused enough to keep my coloring inside the lines

Eleven

Dad doesn’t say hi to me when he comes home anymore… Sometimes I dress up, but he hardly looks at me – how am I supposed to feel beautiful when no one is there to tell me I am

Moms been crying a lot lately and I don’t understand why, but I go into her room and hold her anyway. I wonder where dad is… Isn’t it his job to do this sort of thing?

We don’t go to movies anymore

Nine

We had to move to a smaller house because daddy lost his job, but it’s okay because mommy said that change is good

I see my daddy drinking something that smells gross. I’m not supposed to touch it, or tell mommy that daddy has it. Maybe it’s for big kids

We still go to movies, but I’m getting too old to dress up. He stopped making his stupid jokes and side comments that I hated so much… but I missed them. –  I guess he’s getting too old for them, too.

Eight

Seven

Me and daddy go on this thingy called Daddy-Daughter Dates, and Saturday after he comes home from work – My mom dresses me up and curls my hair and I get to wear my black shoes with heels that made me feel like a movie star. He always stands at the bottom of the staircase with a big smile, and pics pick me up and spin me around and tell me how pretty I am. He the only boy that I don’t think is icky, he makes me feel b-e-a-U-tiful. But I don’t tell him that.

My daddy comes to my third-grade class and does magic tricks, my friends tell me he is the coolest dad ever and I tell them I know that already

Daddy hangs all the pictures I color him in his office on the walls!

I love to color.

Six

Daddy is a superhero

Five

My daddy helps anyone he can! Even with strangers!

My dad comes home from work and kisses my mom on the mouth, I cover my eyes but they don’t care about cooties. I sit at the counter and watch them dance in the kitchen, and I draw and laugh with them

Four

 I want to be like my daddy when I grow up.

Three

Two

One

Zero

19 thoughts on “Crayons

  1. Atlas says:

    this gave me shivers. This is so raw. wow. And what scares me is that i see this in my own family life, the middle parts, where everything begins to go wrong. Please stay stong

    Like

  2. It was all for you says:

    Oh my gosh. This is… I can’t… Words.
    This feels like life. Like breathing. Like everything that matters.
    I got chills and I felt everything. So hard.
    You’re amazing and everything you write is so raw and meaningful and deep and ahhhhhh.
    I admire you so much.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ingrie Emelia says:

    Every single number hit my heart harder and harder. I feel slaughtered. I feel so touched you had the courage to share something like this to all of us. I don’t think I could. This is what writing is about. This is why we do it. My goodness, the little details. I feel it all in my chest.

    Like

  4. saorsablue says:

    My heart has never ached for someone like this. I think the only other time I’ve experienced this deep heartache was when my friend committed suicide. I can’t promise that life will get better, but you’ll learn and love and grow, and when you look back, you’ll have been stronger than all of this. It doesn’t get any easier, but you do get stronger. So hang in there. You have all my heart, my love. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. No person should ever have to feel pain like that at so young of an age. Or any age. I encourage you to keep writing, my friend. This is so raw and real and I’m humbled – silenced even – that you would share this with the world. Powerful. Wow. You have a beautiful soul. Please don’t lose sight of it ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  5. James Howlett says:

    Posts like this one are the reason I cant wait until we find out who we all are. 1 because i want to congratulate you on your writing skills, and 2 to see if you are as strong as you sound. Great Post!!

    Like

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